On October 22, 2014, I gave birth to a 27-weeker preemie, several weeks after Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM). During the experience of a high-risk pregnancy, I hunted the internet desperately, looking for success stories. They gave me the hope I was desperate to cling to. I hope my story encourages you.

Josiah weighed 2 pounds at birth. His head was as small as a mandarin orange, his body the size of a sweet potato. His preemie diaper, no bigger than a credit card, was folded in half before we put it on him. 

The experience of a high-risk pregnancy with multiple threatened miscarriages, my son’s emergent C-section birth, and the 3 months he spent in the NICU, to say nothing of his homecoming, was the toughest, most frightening experience of my life.

It changed me, my worldview, and my life in countless ways. It made me into the person I am today.

What does it feel like to give birth to a 27 weeker preemie?

Imagine coming home one day from the grocery store. As you walk inside, a masked man ambushes you, holds a gun to yours and your baby’s head for a few terrifying minutes… and then leaves.

You and your baby survive this ordeal, but you are traumatized. You grieve the loss of normal. Your peace robbed.

Yesterday, I saw a social media picture of a friend’s full-term, chubby newborn… and burst into tears.

Having a preemie changed me forever.

Here are the posts I wrote during the experience.

My former 27 weeker is a healthy, happy 9 year old. He has no health problems. He is thriving in school. The only time I think about his premature birth these days is when I see his minor struggles with fine motor skills. Other than that whisper, he has no ongoing issues.

27-Weeker Preemie Story

• June 30, 2014 – possible miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation
• July 5, 2014 – baby’s alive and kicking, first ultrasound pic – diagnosis: subchorionic hemorrhage
• July 10, 2014 – I discover that I have placenta previa
• July 14, 2014 – everything looking normal (just hangry and having cravings) at 13 weeks pregnant
• Aug. 13, 2014 – 17 weeks, still experiencing bleeding but baby is growing
• Aug. 27, 2014 – 19 weeks, subchorionic hemorrhage appears healed
• Sept. 9, 2014 – My water breaks due to due to pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes) and I return to the hospital where a neonatologist encourages me to terminate the pregnancy – 21 weeks pregnant. Strict bedrest begins.
• September 12, 2014 – pPROM, 4 days later. Out of the hospital, I begin a supplement protocol 
• Sept. 15, 2014 – 22 weeks pregnant – I reach a milestone, still pregnant 1 week after pPROM
• Sept. 19, 2014 – 11 days after pPROM, things get very scarier. “You have no fluid left.” Oligohydramnios. I count down the days until the first steroid shot.
• Sept. 21, 2014 – researching statistics, so many unknowns
• Sept. 29, 2014 – an important milestone! 24 weeks, time for the first life-saving steroid shot
• Oct. 7, 2014 – 25 weeks pregnant, I start buying baby stuff, too afraid to do so before now
• Oct. 14, 2014 – gestational incarceration – at 26 weeks, I check myself into the hospital to stay, beginning the hardest 9 days of my life
• Oct. 20, 2014 – 27 weeks, I tour the NICU.
• Oct. 24, 2014 – I write Josiah Levi’s birth story
• Oct. 24, 2014 – Drowning emotionally, I break down at baby’s bedside
• Oct. 26, 2014 – I am discharged from the hospital. I go home without my baby.
• Oct. 27, 2014 – I hold my baby for the very first time
• Oct. 28, 2014 – Once again, I break down while visiting my son in the NICU
• Oct. 30, 2014 – Nightmares and NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) scares
• Oct. 31, 2014 – I get to see Josiah’s entire face
• Oct. 31, 2014 – Abdominal x-rays look clean, I get to hold you for 90 minutes
• Nov. 3, 2014 – I get into a groove and begin to feel a tiny bit better about our situation
• Nov. 4, 2014 – Every day I write the book – exhaustion and splitting stitches
• Nov. 6, 2014 – In which I am ANGRY. I begin seeing a therapist.
• Nov. 13, 2014 – You’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.
• Nov. 14, 2014 – The hospital alarms go off and blare in our ears for an hour. This doesn’t help my nerves.
• Nov. 22, 2014 – One month. I’m no longer drowning in fear. He’s going to make it. Josiah’s PICC line is removed! Nightmares. Is the baby a figment of my imagination?
• Nov. 24, 2014 – Feisty. Josiah throws his first tantrum. Mommy is pleased at this news. My baby is a fighter.
• Dec. 7, 2014 – Josiah was once the Fragile Flower. A baby dies in the NICU.
• Dec. 8, 2014 – I am OVER IT. Done. I hate this place. I hate coming here. F-U, NICU!
• Dec. 11, 2014 – Breather. Josiah is off the CPAP. I can see his entire face!
• Dec. 12, 2014 – Nesting. When you think your baby is going to die, you don’t buy stuff. Now it’s time to prepare my nest. I walk into the NICU and Josiah is out of the incubator and into an open crib!
• Dec. 21, 2014 – Two steps forward, one step back – all the things that have to happen before my baby can come home. Every day his eyes plead with me not to leave his side. It’s torture.
• Dec. 30, 2014 – I would have been 37 weeks pregnant today. Instead, I have a 10 week old. A day in the life of a NICU mom.

This is where I get quiet.

Once the emergency was over and the constant fear and fog lessened, anxiety, shame and depression stepped in to take their place. 

• Jan. 19, 2015 – Homecoming. Josiah is home now. He’s on a heart monitor that goes off every few seconds all night long, rendering me a zombie by day. I get a whopping case of mastitis, and after it heals, my milk supply seems to go with it.
• Feb. 27, 2015 – Josiah’s been home for one month. I update on the difficulties of breastfeeding a preemie.
• March 9, 2015 – Breastfeeding a preemie in NICU: this thing sucks!
• March 11, 2015 – Pumping for your preemie – my best tips for success
• April 3, 2015 – The things that don’t kill us – do they make us stronger?
• May 23, 2015 – When blogging is difficult – discussing the trauma of preemie births
• Sept 16, 2015 – Recurring nightmares, fearing RSV season
• July 27, 2016 – Goodbye Lact-Aid nursing system, my frenemy
• Nov 17, 2017 – Nursing in the NICU – a round up of posts
• Nov 17, 2017 – The last time I visited the NICU, the day I took my baby home