“We need to talk about schedules”, he said. Assuming he’s referring to his upcoming workweek, I reply: “Ok. Shoot.” Him: “We need to figure out a time for you to write.” Me, not knowing whether to laugh, cry, or vomit: “I honestly couldn’t care less. I don’t have time for it. I can barely shower. […]
37 Weeks
Today, I would have been 37 weeks pregnant. I’ve written at least two posts like this in the past, usually detailing third-trimester woes, to-do lists I’m rushing through before baby’s arrival, and the annoyance of having no clothing that fits properly. Instead, this time I have a nearly 10 week old baby in the NICU. […]
Two steps forward, one step back
Everyone who writes about premature parenting says that the final days/weeks of the NICU journey are the hardest. It’s easier to deal with your baby being in the hospital when they’re tiny, red, wrinkled, alien-looking, and relying on machines to help them breathe. But when they start looking up at you with pleading eyes, when […]
Nesting
When I woke up this morning I got a huge burst of energy and went around the house cleaning, decluttering and organizing. My 9 year old and I tackled the little girls’ room. I organized Josiah’s dresser and clothes and my own dresser. I decluttered my closet, organized the junk drawer (those drawer dividers for […]
Breather
I walked into the NICU a few days ago and saw that Josiah was no longer on CPAP, but had a tiny, thin nasal cannula giving him a bit of breathing assistance. I tried not to get too excited, because his cannula was removed once before and he had to go back on it. But […]
Over it
I hate this place. I hate how dark it is inside. I hate the beeps and blips and alarms. I hate the wires. I hate the plastic and the smell of alcohol. I hate the barricades. I hate the lack of privacy. I hate hearing babies cry out for their mothers. I hate seeing mothers […]
Fragile flower
Two days ago a new preemie was wheeled into the NICU. This happens all the time when I’m there. The nurses, doctor and respiratory therapist all hover over the baby, who is so so small he cannot even be seen, his body hidden on the other side of a crumpled up blanket. He looks like […]
Feisty
You had your first baby fit the other day. The nurses told me that you didn’t want to be messed with, and you had a “snit fit”. And last night you wanted to party. The nurse said she had to pat your butt for 15 minutes to get you to settle down and sleep. I’m […]
One Month
Today was a good day, the best I’ve had in I’m not sure when. Josiah is a month old today, and for the first time, I am no longer drowning in fear that he’s not going to make it. Today after we did kangaroo care, the nurse and respiratory therapist put him back into his […]
Alarmed
Josiah, Today my heart broke all over again. I didn’t realize until the other day how vulnerable I feel all the time now. It started with your birth and it continues. It’s so frightening. All I want to do is protect you, and I can do so little for you. It’s torture, little one. Today […]