The science and study of happiness has long interested me. In 2011 I read a wonderful book, The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin, probably one of the best in the niche. That book profoundly influenced my life and thinking. I embarked on a Happiness Project of my own and even invited friends to join me in a happiness project group. In this post, I’ll share 8 things I’ve learned about happiness from my own happiness project and from reading several books about the topic.
Happiness Project: 8 things I’ve learned about happiness
1) Happiness is largely about what you do DAILY.
In All The Money in the World, Laura Vanderkam (another favorite author) explains that studies show that frequent, small experiences give you more happiness than rare, mind blowing ones. In her example, a woman would be far happier if her would-be husband, instead of blowing 3 months’ salary on an engagement ring, instead bought her flowers every week.
For most of us, reading a great book once a week may far exceed the happiness we would get from a yearly Disney trip. This is counter-intuitive (as is much of the findings about happiness!). Our brains favor the big, sexy, wow experiences. But the research is clear. We should be focusing more on creating daily habits, routines and rituals we enjoy.
If something is important to your sense of well being, you will likely find it easier to do that thing every single day. I find that for me, habits are more effective than goals in creating the life I want.
2) It’s often the little things that contribute most to happiness.
For many of us, not letting ourselves get too hungry and keeping our blood sugar under control have a huge impact on our moods. Taking a 20 minute nap every day and making the bed in the mornings are small things that contribute to happiness. A shade of lipstick that flatters me makes me smile. A good pen for my Bullet Journal.
Spending time outside every day is important for happiness. Many of us are more “nature deficit” than we realize. For me, if I forget to spend time in nature for even two days in a row, my mood takes a nosedive.
None of these little things are difficult to accomplish but they all give me a happiness boost, and probably you too.
3) It’s not selfish to give time and attention to your happiness.
In fact, it’s unselfish. Studies show that our mood affects not only our friends, but our friends’ friends. Happier people are nicer to be around, live longer and don’t drag others down with their negativity. By figuring out what makes you happy, you’re doing the entire world of mankind a solid.
4) When it comes to happiness, relationships are huge.
Relationships are probably the single most important factor when it comes to our happiness. Spending time with people you care about is typically our favorite thing to do. Figuring out how other people think (personality tests are fun for this) and feel and how they see the world and accepting them for who they are are vital to happy relationships.
5) Challenge = happiness
Happiness isn’t just found in lounging around on the beach, fruity adult beverage in hand. Turns out, our brains are hardwired to require challenge (just like our bodies!).
Pursing personal, financial, and work goals are vitally important to our well being.
6) Be Yourself
You’re not like everyone else, and what’s fun for you isn’t fun for everyone else. And that’s ok. One of the rules Gretchen repeats over and over in her is to “Be Gretchen“. Part of “Being Carrie” is to let go of things that don’t work… and being ok with that.
If you’ve forgotten what yourself enjoys (not uncommon, especially for moms!), try making a list. Keep it handy so that when that feeling of joy sneaks up on you, you can add it. As an example, when I ride my bike (something I procrastinate about sometimes), I find myself with a ridiculous, huge grin on my face… I don’t even realize how happy riding a bike makes me unless I’m paying attention!
“To be happier, you have to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.” – Gretchen Rubin
7) Bad moods aren’t necessarily bad
While I’ve learned that there are effective ways to snap out of a bad mood, a bad mood isn’t always bad. Especially if you go backwards to figure out what causes a bad mood, you can learn something valuable about yourself and if possible, avoid those triggers in the future.
8) Perfectionism and comparison are huge happiness bandits
Reading the book Being Happy taught me that perfectionism is one of the biggest destroyers of happiness. I try very hard to avoid all or nothing, black/white type thinking for this reason too. Comparison is another stumbling block.
So that’s it in a nutshell. Have you read The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun or another good book about happiness?
What have you learned about your happiness?
I loved this book!
I’m not sure how I stumbled onto your blog, but love your writing.
I particularly liked reading about how you need to keep your blood sugar levels in check. I just ate my lunch and my fuse/patience with my kids just got exponentially longer. Duh! Such a rookie mistake on my part… 🙂
Thanks Katherine!
Yes isn’t it true? I try to remember this with my kids too – how much blood sugar can impact their moods.
I recently shifted my morning routine (reading, praying, Bullet Journalling) to a spot on our back patio. Thankfully we live in a very temperate climate that allows me this outdoor exposure year-round without sacrificing my life or limbs (ha!). I’ve noticed that the few minutes of fresh air, nature, and a glimpse of the sunrise across the horizon sets my morning in such a positive and calming direction.
I could identify with most of these; especially spending time in nature. I find myself randomly grinning on my bike, as well. Weird!
Your #6 reminded me of something. I was talking to one of my friends last night. She has two kids under two, and made a comment like “I used to be fun, I used to be creative, I used to do neat things”. I had noticed after she got married, she was a little more reclusive and didn’t do a whole lot of projects/hobbies anymore (they had kids right away). A different friend went through the same thing of getting pregnant right away and not really having any hobbies. It took her a year of depression and other self-defeating attitudes/behaviors to get out of the funk. I don’t want my “used to be ____” friend to have to spend time depressed in order to find her creative/fun/interesting self again.
What would you recommend I say to a friend who has kind of lost herself?
Bethany this is so common! I don’t know exactly why it happens. For me, it was because my love for my baby was so unexpectedly all-encompassing. It was like I had blinders on and nothing else mattered. I stopped thinking long-term (for instance, I regret not trying harder to keep an income stream going after his birth…). I suppose it’s biological!
I would *invite* her to do something with you that you know she enjoys. She may suddenly realize, “Hey! I like this and need to do it more often!”. My good friend sort of began dragging me out to social things intentionally, and I needed it! Be a nag in a friendly way.
Sometimes new moms think they’re burdening others with their baby. They might be embarrassed by, say, feeding the baby around you or having to take breaks to care for the baby. They don’t want to be viewed as the killjoy or whatever. Let her know that it’s ok if you go at the little ones’ pace and all that. She’ll love you for that!
All my friends dried up after I had my first, and I would have killed for one friend who understood that because my life had profoundly changed, my routines also changed… if she would have made that transition with me we would have been blood sisters!
Love spending time in nature in the mornings! So centering.
Carrie,
this is such a great post! I saw that Gretchen Rubin actually Retweeted your blog link! so cool!
Fantastic! I’ll need to see if my library has a copy of that book that I can check out. I really, really like the point about how happiness is about challenging yourself. In fact, it’s extra-poignant for me today, since I’m starting a new job. My old job was okay, but it didn’t use my skillsets and it was horribly bureaucratic. I didn’t feel challenged or feel that I was learning anything–I was just taking a paycheck for staring at a screen all day. My new job, though, uses my talents a lot more and I get to think crazy things and try new ideas.
And that’s what it’s all about. 🙂
LOL, I have a video up on YouTube entitled “Be Happy, Not Perfect.” Still trying to work that one out in my own life, but I’m making progress. 😉
I believe we all do have the right to pursue happiness, but at the same time we also have the responsibility to do what we can to help others whose life situations (poverty, abuse, etc.) make that pursuit difficult.
Yes, am looking forward to read this book, I like what you shared about nature, yep seeing the view in the morning and breathing the fresh air and hearing the sound of birds is the ever delightful thing that might happen in your day! They made surveys, they found out people just go everywhere to purchase and pay and they don’t enjoy the nature, it is not only about material!