Preview: The personal growth industry is problematic for several reasons. In this article I share five reasons why I quit personal growth and how I’m healing from the burnout it caused.
In the past, I would refer to myself as “personal growth obsessed”, and it was a fair assessment.
My bedside table always had a stack of books promising to make me better, more productive, more …. worthy. I spent thousands of dollars on coaches that claimed to have the secret to wholeness.
Recently, however, I’ve learned about the darker side of the personal growth industry and accompanying mindset. This is what I learned.
Table of contents
Why I Quit the Personal Growth Industry
Rage Against the (Money-Making) Machine
It’s a money making machine that feeds on insecurities and creates perpetual customers.
There is no end to books, podcasts, courses, webinars, and tools in the industry. A lot of people are making a whole lot of money on telling you you’re not good enough just as you are, but just you wait – they have the answers that will fix you.
For a price.
There’s nothing wrong with earning money by sharing knowledge. That’s literally what I do, here. However, the personal growth industry keeps you hooked with a carrot that’s always out of reach. It’s always “jam tomorrow” with those folks. They make money by telling you that your success, happiness, fulfillment require something outside of yourself. And something more is always required.
You’re Not Enough
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The personal growth industry has to convince you that you’re what my man Marshall Rosenberg PhD of Nonviolent Communication calls a PPPPPP (Piss Poor Protoplasm Poorly Put Together).
Otherwise, why would you need to buy their stuff? They stir your discontent and so-called flaws so they can sell you the solution.
Everyone has insecurities. While it seems counter-intuitive, real growth actually comes after accepting oneself. That doesn’t mean making excuses for our flaws, or not taking responsibility for weaknesses, especially when they hurt others. But just as no one ever successfully loses weight and keeps it off by hating their bodies, we don’t really grow as people when we’re filled with self-loathing, do we?
You’re already enough, AND you can work on things if you want. Accepting reality is a path to happiness.
Just like letting my hair be its gray self makes me happier than coloring it. My gray hair IS. It triggers people who are unhappy with themselves, but that’s their work to do, not mine.
Cheap Tricks
The personal growth industry is a poor substitute for what truly works to create positive change in our life. A lot of personal development content comes from people who lack training in mental health, and it lacks nuance, acknowledgment of privilege, and the role of trauma.
What has helped me more than the hundreds of books I’ve read, the thousands of dollars I’ve spent on courses and workshops, the hours I wasted on the never-ending project that is me?
Therapy.
Turns out, sitting for an hour with a professional in a clinical setting has done far more than all that to help me understand my emotions and deal with them in a healthy way. Leading to better relationships and more contentment.
There isn’t a shortcut for doing the work. It’s hard and scary, and it doesn’t come from pop psych writers whose personal lives are a train wreck. Ahem.
Cultish
The personal growth industry is cultish: it elevates a guru, and sets up an US vs THEM mentality
I’m wary of anyone who tries to be a hero, especially since my cult exit.
Sharing ideas is one thing. Telling another what worked for you is fine. Selling a message of “I have the answers above all others“…. suspish. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens often in the personal growth world.
Another problem is how people who aren’t “committed to their growth” are viewed as less than, people to be avoided because they will sully you and limit you.
Not surprisingly, some personal growth groups are literal cults. The workshops and trainings are fronts for something far more nefarious happening deeper in the organization. See Scientology, Landmark, and NXIVM, and the like.
These Feelings, Not Those
The personal growth machine de-legitimizes “negative” emotions and encourage toxic positivity.
There is no such thing as a negative emotion.
We don’t like to feel so-called negative emotions because they feel less fun. But, they’re important in the way that lifting heavy things is important when sitting on the couch feels better.
Anger serves the purpose of helping you establish your boundaries that have been violated. Its work is protection and restoration. Sadness helps you slow down and draw community. It releases and revitalizes. Grief reminds you of the preciousness of life and the fleeting nature of time.
Personal growth wants you to feel happy-happy-happy, all the time. (Shock treatment, I’m doing fine. Sorry, quick Ramones reference there.)
But that’s neither realistic nor healthy. Every emotion is a messenger. We ignore it to our peril. The idea of toxic positivity is now getting lots of airtime, and I’m glad of it.
How do you feel about the personal growth industry? Were you a former addict like me? Have you changed your opinion? I’d love to hear it.
I’ve never been into self help anything. But seeing and knowing others who are into it has made me feel like I’m supposed to do it and I’m less than for not trying to change everything about me. But I remind myself of what I have been through, and that it’s pretty much a miracle I can function as a human being in this world as is. I agree, therapy isn’t about changing who you are or denying your valid feelings. It’s about helping you cope, or heal.
Thanks for your comment Erin. I wonder if what you said about “supposed to do it” – if that’s the intended effect? ??
Ahh… so good. I am definitely with you on this journey. I used personal growth as a way to circumvent healing, which creates an inner self destruct. Then failure is framed as all your fault for not trying hard enough or thinking wrong… blah blah blah. We are humans in need of healing, not problems in need of fixing.
So well put!
What a timely post, Carrie. Our false-front social media culture promises so many things it cannot – and should not – deliver to people who are neither clear nor confident about their own identity and who seek meaning and purpose from people, places, things, and ideas which will never satisfy or speak truth to their souls. The ‘influencer’ industry is closely intertwined with PG ‘gurus’, and I’m always saddened when I see particularly young women fall prey to the empty promises of other people who at their core desperately want/need followers who will place them on a pedestal and practically worship them. I believe we grow as a result of surrounding ourselves with the wise counsel of friends and family who truly have our best interests at heart; of living through the challenges of our imperfect lives; of encouraging others in our circle to seek truth and live by it. Thank you for standing firm in your conviction; you have encouraged others as well as me today!
Carrie, you said a mouthful with so few words. I tried selling a brand as well and I got so frustrated because my “why” did not make me cry.? These companies do work like cults and if one is smart they can sniff out “the leader”’and the joke that is on you…that is if you can stop spinning long enough to see what is being played on you. I love your honesty and bravery for putting this out there, but most of all you will help so many women if they read this for its TRUTH. Please keep writing.?
Carrie, thanks for this blog post. So helpful and so real!. And I love that you let your beautiful grays shine. It looks beautiful and says, “This is the real me.”
I enjoy your blog and I’m glad you’re writing again, Carrie!
Thanks Amy!
Hi there. I just came to your blog via The Frugal Girl and this was the first post I read – the title jumped right out at me because it captured what I’d been feeling for awhile, but wasn’t quite sure if I was feeling the ‘right’ thing or ‘giving up’, which I suppose is part of the insidious culture of which you speak. Your post put into words what I already somehow knew, so thank you for that!
I also gave up dying my hair and love the grey. I’ve earned every one of them and call them my sparkles!
Looking forward to reading more!
Hey Roslyn I’m glad you enjoyed this post! And you’re exactly right – the endless cycle, the circular reasoning, the mental binding – all cultic stuff that the industry also does. It’s safe to listen to our instincts. 🙂
Loved this article Carrie. I can relate entirely, just never could quite find the words to express it this well! Keep writing and sharing, so many need to hear what you have to say.
Thanks for reading Kristy!