Green eyes

Hi Josiah,

Today was a lot better, no? Mommy didn’t lose it when she walked into the NICU this time. Still, the sight of you almost takes my breath away. You’re so tiny. You look so vulnerable. It’s hard for me to trust that you’re going to be ok.

But I did sleep last night. I only woke up four times, which is an improvement. I felt better. I took your brothers and sisters to the park and gave them a much-deserved day off of school. It was wonderful to feel the sun on my face. To be outside, watching your brothers and sisters play. I can’t wait until you can experience that. Just the most normal of things.

Your Dad comes to see you every night. He is tired from a day of work, and he drives for an hour round trip to spend time with you, skin to skin. I keep asking him to have the nurses take a picture of you nestled up against his big chest, but I think he’s too embarrassed to do it because he hasn’t produced a photo yet.

You look so much like him. Maybe you’ll have green eyes like he does. Your hair is definitely blonde, as his was when he was little.

I know you already know all about him. I know, because when they cut you out of my belly and you began to cry, he spoke to you and you opened your eyes, looked right at him and quieted down. I understand. He has that effect on me too. You’ve had a rough start in your short life, but you’re so fortunate in one way. You have the most wonderful dad anyone could ask for. And you were born into a family with so much love.

I heard a song today that I used to listen to all the time. I didn’t know, when I listened to that song over and over years ago, that the words would describe your father. I hadn’t met him yet. They go like this:

Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand

The green eyes
Yeah the spotlight
Shines upon you

And how could anybody
Deny you?

I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you

And honey you should know
That I could never go on
Without you
Green eyes

– Song credit Coldplay

These last several weeks have been so hard,  the hardest of my life. I don’t know what I would have done without your father. He is the kindest person I’ve ever known. He is so wonderful to me, and to your brothers and sisters. Since I met him, I’ve not had to worry about anything.