Josiah, Today my heart broke all over again. I didn’t realize until the other day how vulnerable I feel all the time now. It started with your birth and it continues. It’s so frightening. All I want to do is protect you, and I can do so little for you. It’s torture, little one. Today […]
Heart shaped box
Figuratively speaking. A fellow mom of a preemie tweeted a picture of her son’s isolette with the caption, “My heart was trapped in this box for 8 weeks“. It reminded me of song lyrics. I read that Hole’s Doll Parts and Nirvana’s Heart-Shaped Box (from the album In Utero, of all things) were inspired by the same event: Courtney Love’s gift […]
and your angry eyes, just in case
My therapist told me I was experiencing grief. Well, I’m officially in the anger phase. Because I am so mad little one. I don’t know what to do with this. What’s happened is nobody’s fault, there is no one to blame. So my rage is just free-floating, I can’t even go for a jog and […]
The same thing happens every day
Dear baby, The same thing happens every day. I say to myself, “tomorrow, I’ll rest more”, ” tomorrow, I’ll take it easy”, “tomorrow, I’ll pump more”. But then I don’t, and instead of resting like I should, I get so exhausted my arms ache. And instead of taking it easy, I do too much and […]
Mama gets her mojo back
Josiah, Mom is feeling better each day now. When I come see you, I feel happy and hopeful instead of overwhelmed with sadness. It’s still so hard leaving you behind each day, but the NICU staff are part healer, part grandma and part angel. You are being cared for with not just skill, but so […]
90 minutes
Josiah, Last night I slept almost all night without waking! When I got up this morning, I felt like I could conquer the world. And the best part of all, my friend came over this morning to watch your siblings, so I was able to spend 90 glorious minutes cuddling with you. It was just […]
Baby steps
Josiah, today you gave me a special treat. When I saw you, I almost didn’t recognize you. They removed your hat and face mask and have you using a nasal cannula instead. I can see your entire face and head now! You’re on the most minimal support, breathing-wise. I was on cloud nine after our […]
Good news and bad news
Well little one, it’s not just your mommy that has the nightmares. Daddy has them too. Last night he sat up in bed and said, “Where’s Josiah?!“. I calmly told him you were safe in the NICU. When he woke up he said he dreamed that we took you home, but then couldn’t find you. […]
Oh my little sweet potato…
I did it again today. When I got to the NICU and saw you, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Sweetie, I’m not usually such a basket case. People who know me would describe me as A Strong Woman. But I’m just about to come unglued. I had to drive myself to the hospital today, […]
