On Courage

I posted about my goals for the year here, and updated in March and April, but haven’t since. The year is more than half over, it’s certainly time for an update.

One of the goals I set was rather difficult to measure. It was this:

I want to be better at: listening to my gut and having courage.

Yeah, a little bit obscure.

Still, I’m proud of how I’ve done with this.

It’s been a really scary year, and I’ve wanted little more than to crawl into bed (with my preemie of course), pull the covers over my head, and stay there for a very, very long time.

Many, many times I’ve forced myself to be around people, to open my mouth and talk, to put myself into situations of growth… when I really, really didn’t want to.

I’m an introvert, but I’ve never suffered from a debilitating social anxiety until recently.

Yet, because I stated this goal, I would remind myself of it and hold myself accountable when I felt scared.

For example, a few months ago my husband bought me tickets to see Crystal Paine speak. I was thrilled at his thoughtfulness at first, because I’m a huge fan of Crystal (I admire her both as a blogger and as an all-around great gal) and have long wanted to meet her in person.

But as the event approached, I was overtaken with anxiety about showing up. If it hadn’t been for the fact that my sweet husband had purchased the tickets, I might have tried to give them away.

I remembered my goal to have courage, so I just kept reminding myself that it was ok to feel nervous, but that I was going anyway.

(I gave my voices the silent treatment.)

I thoroughly enjoyed Crystal’s talk, and afterward on the way home and for the next couple of days, my husband and I had some really great, deep conversations about it. I think she touched a nerve in both our hearts. (And I’m super proud of my husband for sticking around despite being the only dude in the audience!)

I didn’t get to meet Crystal because as soon as she exited the stage, a long line formed and I would have been waiting for over an hour with a tired baby who was already up past his bedtime (and mine!), and we had a long drive home.

A few weeks later, I attended a 3-day religious convention. I was eat up with anxiety for a week beforehand, but I prayed constantly about it and told myself over and over to “stop being anxious”. All the stress made me feel exhausted before it even began. I felt like Jacob must have after wrestling with an angel all night, but I knew I would be blessed somehow for going despite my misgivings (and like Jacob, I was rather insistent upon it in my prayers!).

Sure enough, I received a blessing before I even walked in the doors. It showed up in the form of a person who I had not yet met, but who was extremely helpful to my husband and I when we were going through our trials last year. Running into him among thousands of people in attendance, and having him recognize me from a tiny email picture – that was no coincidence.

Another thing I have been doing is getting better at establishing personal boundaries, saying no to things that make me uncomfortable, especially with regards to my children. This hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of how I’ve done.

One challenge with this goal of “listening to my gut and having courage” is that sometimes it can be confusing. If my gut sends me an alarm signal, I have to figure out whether it’s a warning that my boundaries are being threatened, or it could mean that I’m about to be stretched out of my comfort zone. It takes some insight to figure out the difference.