Preview: Our culture has been saying a lot about self care in recent years. But some of the messaging is infantilizing to women, and misleading us about what self care truly is.
Something I’ve been thinking on lately is how we as a society have given women the wrong idea about what self care truly is. I’m an opinionated blogger (is there any other type?), let’s talk about it.
Bubble baths won’t wash away the shame that purity culture embedded into your bones. All the face masks and skin care in the world won’t convince you that you’re already good enough and worthy of love as you are.
Photo by Elsa Olofsson on Unsplash
Self care was a dirty concept growing up in high control religion. When self care became a popular hashtag, I had a reaction of disdain.
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In her book When Religion Hurts You, Dr Laura Anderson confirms that high control religions forbid pleasure. This was certainly my experience. Hobbies were discouraged, personal growth a waste of time. Physical fitness was “good for little” and even reading books not published by the cult would earn the side-eye from fellow congregants.
In an HCR, the concept of being kind to oneself is scoffed at because these systems often promote the idea that we don’t deserve kindness and that needing anything outside of God can lead us down a slippery slope.
Laura E. Anderson, PhD
What Self Care Is Not
When I first began learning about self care, I formed a definition from ideas I’d picked up from social media and popular culture. But those definitions were unfulfilling to me. They felt like attempting to scratch the itch of an arm in a cast.
Worse, the woman in a bathtub with cucumbers on her eyes trope is a distraction from the real issues. Telling exhausted moms who are living under patriarchy and late-stage capitalism with little to no support system that all they need is a glass of wine and a mani-pedi is infantilizing and frankly, infuriating.
Self care is not reading the latest personal development bestseller written by a cishet white male from a privileged background and condemning yourself for not getting up at 5 am to start a business. See: If Books Could Kill.
What Self Care Truly Is
Self care is recognizing that rotting in bed scrolling social media means you’re in a freeze response caused by long-term chronic stress. And instead of judging yourself, you remember a somatic exercise you learned, and begin to gentle yourself out of it.
Self care is cooking Change Your Life Chicken when you have a burst of energy, so you have nourishing leftovers for the days you don’t.
Self care is not heading to Tar-zhay for retail therapy or buying the latest overpriced lead-poisoned mug of the month. It’s automating your retirement savings and doing your budget once a month to ease financial anxiety.
Self care is not going back to that man, because he has avoidant attachment and can never love properly because he hates himself and was wrecking your nervous system with his inconsistency, emotional immaturity and unavailability.
Self care is signing up scared to volunteer at a local garden, because you know you’ll meet like-minded people, get your hands in the dirt, and feel the sun on your back. And since people will be expecting you, you won’t let them down, even when you feel like isolating yourself.
Self care is asking, “Who is hurting right now, and how old is she?“. It’s imagining adult you holding your inner child and re-parenting her, so you can heal your deep, terrifying abandonment wounds.
Self care is giving your invasive thoughts a silly name so you can distance yourself from them. “Not today, Desdemona, I have shit to do. Thanks for your input, I know you’re there to keep me alive, but I choose not to listen to you today because I’d rather be happy than safe, thankyouverymuch.”
Self care is putting on What I Was Made For because the tears are stuck, knowing if you play it, they’ll come.
Self care is feeling your feelings instead of numbing them or distracting yourself from them.
Self care is finally getting that tattoo you’ve always wanted, even though you know your dad will judge you, because you’ve released the need for the unconditional love you didn’t get from him as a child.
Self care is forgiving him because he was doing what he thought was best at the time.
Self care means checking the DoesTheDogDie website before watching a film. You know you’ll be a mess for days if you watch that triggering movie.
Self care means asking for a hug when you need it.
Self care means celebrating yourself for walking slowly on your treadmill for 20 minutes instead of your usual 60. Because you refuse to make perfect the enemy of the good.
Self care means sending an uncomfortable text. When you said you wanted to “go slow, get to know each other and establish friendship and trust“, he freaked out and tried to argue you out of your boundary. So you told him that you have different goals and won’t be seeing him again.
Self care is buying that motor scooter you’ve wanted since your 20’s, and learning to ride it terrified the whole time with your 23 year old scooter-mechanic son cheering you on.
Self care is wearing the 90’s band tee and the Doc Martins even though you’re pushing 50. Because those things make you feel like yourself. And letting your gray hair grow because fuck the beauty standard that keeps you buying things to impress people who don’t matter.
Self care is starting a TikTok channel to share your story of religious trauma. Because you help others recognize where undue influence and coercive control has shown up in their lives. And you empower yourself by exposing darkness with light.
Self care is sending that text to your friend asking them to call you when they have a minute. Instead of thinking that you’re a burden.
Self care is loving yourself enough to have standards. It’s removing yourself from toxic situations, even if it means being alone or having less money.
Self care is forest bathing and hugging a tree.
Self care is upholding the boundaries that keep you safe, even when it hurts you in the short term, because you know it prevents harm in the long term.
Self care is flossing at 7 PM, versus before bed, because you know you’ll be too tired to do it consistently if you wait.
Self care is applying sunscreen every morning and doing your evening skincare even when you’re tired. Pro tip: do it after dinner. Who says it must be done before bed? And if you aren’t sure what skincare you need to glow and look your best, take this quiz. (Wait Carrie, I thought you said face masks aren’t self-care?! Ha! I’m a Gemini. Indulge me.)
Self care is gentle parenting your children, ensuring they have secure attachment, because when they grow up, they’ll comfort you and have happier relationships.
What does self care look like for you? Has your definition changed? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Well done Carrie, so proud of your resilience. Thank you for encouraging posts in the midst of your tough times.
Thank you Hayley, writing is like a balm for me! Sometimes it’s really difficult to write, but I always feel better when I do 🙂