The same thing happens every day

Dear baby,

The same thing happens every day. I say to myself, “tomorrow, I’ll rest more”, ” tomorrow, I’ll take it easy”, “tomorrow, I’ll pump more”.

But then I don’t, and instead of resting like I should, I get so exhausted my arms ache. And instead of taking it easy, I do too much and bust my incision open and start bleeding again. And I forget to pump often and get all sore and chilled and plugged and mastitis-y.

But here’s the thing. I miss you so much. It takes 4 hours out of my day to see you. And each day as the morning wears on, as I take care of house and kids and phone calls to insurance companies and doctor appointments and All The Things, then I start to feel frantic inside and excited to see you. Like a young lady getting ready for a date with her beau.

And so I push myself. And I pull into the parking lot of the hospital and I’m practically hopping curbs and slamming into spaces. And then I run into elevators and down corridors and buzz in and scrub in and walk into the second set of doors.

And then I sit down in a rocking chair and the nurse takes you out of your isolette and untangles all the cords and places you delicately down the front of my shirt.

And then we breathe. And you fall asleep. So deeply that sometimes you set your alarms to ringing and the nurse comes around to pat your back and remind you to take a breath. And I feel so tired that I fight sleep while we have our snuggle time. I’m not worried about dropping you, the stretch in my shirt holds you even without my hands supporting your weight, you’re so tiny.

When I bring you home, let’s curl up in bed and sleep for a month. Deal?