Note: a review of the movie Orgasmic Birth appears below.
Ok, so maybe I spoke too soon the other day when I said that I wasn’t having near constant Braxton-Hicks contractions and cramping, which is normal for me at this point.
Yesterday at 11:30 or so they started. Strong enough to wake me from a nap. And they continued all throughout the day and night. Keeping my bladder empty, staying hydrated, changing activity (resting, walking, etc) didn’t change things. They kept coming.
I’m still taking my calcium/magnesium supplement, so I’m not sure if my theory (that it was what was keeping me from having frequent pre-labor warmup action) is correct.
At my last prenatal visit 2 days ago I asked my main midwife about the supplement again, and she said that it’s acting as a pain reliever. It may not actually be stopping the contractions, just making my perception of them different so I don’t notice them as much.
When I was gazing at my reflection in the mirror yesterday I realized I didn’t have one picture of myself pregnant this time. I don’t do “belly shots” the way some bloggers do, but it would be a shame for me not to have a picture of my pregnant silhouette for myself.
Last night when I couldn’t sleep, I got up and watched Orgasmic Birth on Amazon.com. I enjoyed it immensely. I heard about the book by the same name but didn’t have much interest in reading it. I was afraid it would focus too much on the “orgasmic” part, and set women up for disappointment, like they were somehow less than if they experienced birth as painful.
I was pleasantly surprised however. The movie was more about the agony AND the ecstasy of birth – something I can certainly attest to. While I’ve never had anything that felt like orgasm during my births, I have had some pretty wonderful, ecstatic physical and emotional sensations, and can understand how for some women that would be akin to how they experience orgasm.
Anyone who has experienced a natural birth can testify to the sexuality of the experience.
The intimacy between husband and wife, the darkened and quiet surroundings, and then, at the end, really loud vocalizing!
The conditions are similar: one needs privacy and safety in order to relax in a sexual experience, as they do to relax their cervix to give birth. (See this interview with Compleat Mother editor Jody McLaughlin.)
Not to mention the chemical cocktail of oxytocin and endorphins that play a role in both birth and pleasurable sexual experience. This is the state women are meant to be in when they bring new life into the world – what began the life is the same energy that brings it to birth. And anything frightening, loud, bright or invasive mucks up the process and causes problems… the “slippery slope” of intervention.
One thing that surprised me about the movie was how disturbing I found the scenes of hospital birth with interventions. These left me feeling like I had observed a woman being sexually assaulted. (Update: I experienced similar feelings while having a C-section delivery with my 7th baby.)
I cried for the mothers, who have been robbed of a powerful life changing experience, I mourned for the babies, whose first moments in this world were of fear, pain and chaos. I even wept for the fathers – whose role as supporter of their laboring partner, something that can bring new meaning, respect, depth and intimacy to their relationship with their wives, were cheated. They became weak betas who don’t trust their wives or their own instincts, and instead deferred to the alpha doctor.
Speaking of pain in labor, I remember a conversation I had with a friend who took Bradley birth classes with me during my first pregnancy. She was newly postpartum, and I was still pregnant. She told me that she wished someone had been more honest with her about how intense the pain would be. While childbirth education was helpful, she found it was difficult to relax. Even though she did have the natural birth she desired in hospital, intervention free, she wished someone had prepared her for the intensity of the pain.
A few weeks later when I had my oldest I understood what she meant. I remember being surprised that I could be in that much pain without splitting in two. Maybe we’re afraid to talk about the pain because we don’t want to scare off other women who are considering natural birth. But by not being honest, we’re disempowering mothers. What we need to be saying is:
“Yes, birth is painful. But there is relief, and pleasure, and even laughter in between the pain. And that pain has an important purpose: it creates a feedback loop between your bottom and your brain that brings about a beautiful cascade of love hormones. These help you deal with the pain, but they also help you fall in love with your baby, with your older children, and with your husband all over again. They help you bond and create a family. They help you love your newborn when you’re sore, bleeding and tired. They help you breastfeed, and they make you a mother.”
Another thing we need to say is that there is also pleasure amidst pain.
At least two of my births I could hardly classify as “painful”. My second, and my fourth.
They were quick, and while there was much hard work, it probably wasn’t any more “painful” than what a person running a marathon experiences. And yet people keep running marathons. They keep pushing their bodies past discomfort because of their goal. We don’t feel sorry for these people, feel that they need “rescuing“, or give them pain medication.
We know that pain is part of the experience.
That is is valuable, and even necessary. It’s a funny thing.
The other day while shopping at the thrift store there was a mom next to me, also heavily pregnant, also looking at baby clothes. I asked her how much longer she had. Two weeks, she said. “Me too”, I replied. Then she asked me if it was my first. “No… actually it’s my sixth.” Her jaw dropped a little, then she said: “Oh, so this is old hat for you.”
I found that funny. “No, it’s never old hat.” was my response.
Whether you’ve had one baby or twelve, birth is never “old hat”. At some point late in your pregnancy you remember: Oh, crap. It’s gonna huuuuuurt!
There is a scene in Orgasmic Birth that brought fresh tears of recognition and empathy to my eyes.
A young woman, having her second child, is in a birth tub with her husband. When the scene opens she is moaning and gyrating her hips (it looks very much like they’re having sex, actually!).
She begins sobbing and says she is scared. Her husband and the midwife ask her in unison what she’s afraid of, and she says “Of the pain“. They both actually chuckle, as does the mother, recognizing that she is clearly in transition and the baby is making its appearance shortly.
I’ve experienced this same thing in a few of my births, and I realized yesterday that I had been harboring fear of going through the pain again this time.
Moms, do you ever feel this way late in your pregnancy? How do you remind yourself, both during pregnancy and when you’re in labor, that you can do it? Do you think birth can be orgasmic?
let me start off with, your story also brought fresh tears to my eyes…. I just had my sixth 2 months ago. You are so right, each new pregnancy and birth are just as unique as the baby inside your womb. Some may be similiar but we never know exactly what to expect.
So during pregnancy, somewhere around late 1st trimester, after the excitment has worn off about the new pregnancy, I get anxious… I remember the pain of the previous birth, and then I remember the feeling after the birth. That moment right when the baby slips out of your body and into the world, or half way into the world by being born in water… How amazing that baby’s tiny little wet head feels on my chest, how sweet their baby breath smells… How much I love those sweet baby smiles and look forward to recovery in bed. Let someone else take over the house for a little while… The cob webs and dust can be cleaned by someone else… How amazing it is to see my 1st born who is now 7 hold her new sister… I love those moments. For me that is the cream filling. These are amazing little people we are lucky to have in our lives. We are so blessed with our children and they are truely such a gift from God.
Currently, I am snuggled with baby #6 in a wrap carrier, she’s sleeping, I’m enjoying her snoring and drinking my coffee…..
Im due August 1st with our fourth. This is the first time I can honestly say Im very much not afraid of having pain. We are planning a home water birth and I am beyond excited and quite ready (and a bit impaitent) to have this baby.
I dont remember the pain with the others… so I keep telling myself this time it will be the same, after its over, it is over. My contractions I have been having for the past week have been very strong. Whoever says braxton hicks dont hurt were liars! LOL. I’ve really decided to take the time during each contraction to really feel what my body is experiencing instead of getting anxious and tense, and using the opportunity to pray. Each time there is pain like this I know that my body is one step closer to the real deal. This time its funny because Im thankful for it. Pain is gonna happen weather I want it too or not and I am very happy I have accepted that. However thats not to say I wont pull what I did with my third and try to cross my legs during pushing and roll over and say “If I just close my eyes this will all go away” (It totally didnt! LOL)
I think your article highlighted some very beautiful processes that occur during pregnancy and birth. I also love your Natural approach in your blogs! Thank you!
However, I believe that women can and many DO birth in comfort. As a mother and doula, I know many women that have had comfortable births using a Childbirth Hypnosis Program called Hypnobabies. It is amazing to see how relaxed moms are during their pregnancies, actually looking forward to their birthing times! 🙂 I have personally witnessed moms that have planned for Natural births that a situation arised involving the safety of their baby, that they chose to be induced. Even though their plan changed, they were able to move forward positively and I was amazed to see relaxed moms were using their Hypnobabies techniques even while on Pitocin! My experience with moms using Hypnobabies and those that were doing a Natural birth without hypnosis were like night and day! The Hypnomoms were so much more relaxed and comfortable and really in tune with their bodies. Hypnobabies also has a Fear Clearing Session that both mom and dad can use to let go of any fears or anxiety they have about their upcoming birth. This is helpful so they are not dragging fears into their birthing time.
For videos of women birthing comfortably you can check out http://www.Hypnobabies.com .
I actually agree with Carrie H. I too, as a birth doula, have witnessed mothers in labour who didn’t have any “pain”. They have all been Hypnobabies births, with moms using seft-hypnosis techniques to stay relaxed and calm. They have reframed their minds to feel the contractions as pressure only, and use “hypno-anesthesia” to remain comfortable, and it has worked! I recently had a client who was making lots of noise, as mothers need to do, and she felt the need to reassure her husband and said to him, “Don’t worry honey, I’m not feeling any discomfort”. I just had to chuckle to myself. I wish all my clients would use Hypnobabies! Pain doesn’t have to be a part of a woman’s birthing experience.
At the point that you are, I mostly remind myself that I can do it, and that I HAVE to do it. There’s no turning back! 🙂
I have to second the statement about discussing the pain of childbirth honestly. I had my first two naturally in a great, supportive hospital setting. I had been “meh” about going naturally- sort of the “I’ll see how it goes” mentality. Both of my labors went so fast that there was no time for an epidural. I wish I could say I enjoyed the experiences (even in hindsight), but they came so fast and furious that I felt more traumatized than anything. The second was significantly better because at least then I knew what was coming. The pain was not so shocking, though just as intense.
This last time (7 weeks ago) I had an epidural. It was a wonderful experience. I was able to enjoy my son immediately and my recovery was the same as when I went naturally- up and walking around within an hour, with a little help staying steady on my feet. I took a while to enjoy my daughter (my firstborn) because I was so shocked by all that had just happened in labor! It felt nice to bond so much more quickly this time.
I realize I’m writing counter to the “natural” approach, but I write this out for two purposes: 1. To echo the idea that women should know frankly about the pain. You’re not doing yourself much of a favor by closing your ears about it! and 2. Because maybe someone else had a similar experience to mine and would appreciate reading about it.
I am a mom to four. I had my twins, experienced back labor, while on the bed on my side not knowing anything different even though taking the very basic birth class put on by the hospital. Was it painful? Yes. I ended up having an epidural at 7cm. My second pregnancy, I chose Hypobabies after reading all of these wonderful birth stories and seeing videos of these women who looked so calm so peaceful and most importantly, SO relaxed. I told myself, I want THAT! I went on to have the most beautiful peaceful and comfortable birth. I welcomed each contraction ( in Hypnobabies we call them pressure waves or birthing waves due to the negative connotation that contraction has contx= pain where as birthing wave = pressure or tightening sometimes intense) it was vastly different from my previous birth. Then used it again four our fourth baby and experienced a 95% comfortable birth and really only experienced pain when I chose not to use my hypnosis techniques. Birth does not HAVE to be painful. When a mom is fearful of a contraction that fear turns into tentionin her body which in turn creates very real pain. If we can take the fear out of birth, learn to relax by use of deep slow abdominal breathing and reconditioning our mind through the use of hypnosis; we can create more positive and peaceful birth experiences then spread those kind of stories to other pregnant moms. Instead they hear everyones horror stories which creates fear even if she doesn’t think so. I feel birth can be empowering, intense, AND more comfortbable. A relaxed body is a relaxed uterus which usually means a faster more gentle birth on both mama and baby. Just go on you tube and type in Hypnobabies births and you will see some pretty amazing peaceful births.
Two-time Hypnobabies mom here: two births with zero interventions and minimal discomfort. I really do understand that some women feel strongly that pain is a necessary element of the process (I believe that the Birthing From Within camp speaks about this as being the only way you can really experience “victory.”) I also understand women who say that if you go into natural birth without clear expectations, you can end up feeling blindsided and wish that someone had better prepared you for what you experienced. And I can really appreciate the way you describe pain with a purpose; I have to admire your revelation and your courage.
However, I can definitely say that birthing moms can and do have incredible feelings of euphoria giving birth and after birth without the hard labor. I think that Hypnobabies, for those who are open to using hypnosis for childbirth, is one of the best available paths to achieving this, because it teaches medical hypno-anesthesia techniques from Gerald Kein’s painless childbirth program, which differentiates it from other types of hypno-birthing. Sometimes medical and birth professionals will comment on hypno-birthing and say, “Well, I’ve seen hypno-birthing and it doesn’t work.” However, I’m hearing of more and more professionals lately who have seen Hypnobabies births and notice a marked difference in the level of calm, controlled births, and moms who report experiencing minimal discomfort or no pain at all. I think Hypnobabies is helping a wider range of women experience birth in this way, as opposed to just your more rare person who just doesn’t have pain for whatever reason.
Oh I am still so pregnant…41 weeks on Tuesday. Sigh Praying I don’t have to be induced in a week. Praying this baby comes. Yes I’ve had a few crying bouts in fear of labor – but I can’t even imagine labor being forced upon me and my little boy. Prayers please!!!
I’ll be honest, I find it hard to read/listen to natural childbirth advocates that tell moms-to-be what they will inevitably experience during childbirth. When I was preparing for my birthing (also using Hypnobabies), it was most helpful for me to hear women say things like, “Some women experience…” or “Some might have…” without them telling me what my birthing was going to be like. I was preparing for a much easier, more comfortable birthing and was training my body and mind every day to interpret birthing sensations as pressure/discomfort and not pain. It absolutely worked for me and I had an amazing experience that I would describe as wonderfully powerful, intense, fun, but nowhere in there would I have said that I had pain. Most importantly, because of my Hypnobabies training I was confident and knew that I would make the right decision for me and my baby, including choices like interventions and whatever the birth outcome. So, please, avoid telling moms what they *have* to feel, esp. scary/fearful feelings… and instead let them create their own experience.
I thought I would lend another side. My first and only experience involved intense medical intervention. I was mentally preparing for a natural birth, hoping for a water birth. I was the only one crying when they showed a short video of labor/delivery in our birthing class….but, it just wasn’t meant to be. I still mourn the loss of that experience, for me, my husband and my son. I’m still fearful to try and get pregnant again (we had two miscarriages before our son arrived). Although, there are a lot of other factors contributing to our “one-and-done” status. I feel blessed to have a healthy son, and hope that everyone realizes how blessed they are to have had these amazing and beautiful birth experiences.
Thank you for this post. Mom of two, first was a not so nice hospital experience ending in c-section and the second was a bath tub home birth. This brings back such incredible empowering memories for me. All I can say is trust that your body knows exactly what to do, so during those moments of fear or uncertainties surrender into them and allow your body to take over. Be in each moment with your body not in your head and oh yah dont forget to Breath! ^_^ You can do it!!!
@Tracy – so true! As Ina Mae Gaskin says, “Let your monkey do it” 🙂