Carrie Willard

putting the "her" back in motherhood

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A preemie story

On October 22, 2014, I gave birth to a 27-weeker preemie, several weeks after Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM).

Josiah weighed 2 pounds at birth. His head was as small as a mandarin orange, his body the size of a sweet potato. His diaper, tiny as a debit card, was folded in half before it was put on.

27 weeker preemie story

The experience of a high-risk pregnancy with multiple threatened miscarriages, my son’s emergent C-section birth, and the 3 months he spent in the NICU, to say nothing of his homecoming, was the toughest, most frightening experience of my life.

What does it feel like to give birth to a preemie?

Imagine you come home one day and a masked man ambushes you, holds a gun to yours and your baby’s head for a few terrifying minutes… and then leaves.

You and your baby survive this ordeal, but you are traumatized and grieving the loss of normal.

Just yesterday, I saw a picture online of a friend’s full-term, chubby newborn… and burst into tears.

Having a preemie changed me forever.

Here are the posts I wrote during the experience.

A work in progress, it’s not finished yet. I find it difficult to read through these posts and relive the experience, so I can only work on it a little bit at a time. I promise it will be finished eventually.

27-Weeker Preemie Story

  • June 30, 2014 – possible miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation
  • July 5, 2014 – baby’s alive and kicking, first ultrasound pic – diagnosis: subchorionic hemorrhage
  • July 10, 2014 – I discover that I have placenta previa
  • July 14, 2014 – everything looking normal (just hangry and having cravings) at 13 weeks pregnant
  • Aug. 13, 2014 – 17 weeks, still experiencing bleeding but baby is growing
  • Aug. 27, 2014 – 19 weeks, subchorionic hemorrhage appears healed
  • Sept. 9, 2014 – My water breaks due to due to pPROM (preterm premature rupture of membranes) and I return to the hospital where a neonatologist encourages me to terminate the pregnancy – 21 weeks pregnant. Strict bedrest begins.
  • September 12, 2014 – pPROM, 4 days later. Out of the hospital, I begin a supplement protocol 
  • Sept. 15, 2014 – 22 weeks pregnant – I reach a milestone, still pregnant 1 week after pPROM
  • Sept. 19, 2014 – 11 days after pPROM, things get very scarier. “You have no fluid left.” Oligohydramnios. I count down the days until the first steroid shot.
  • Sept. 21, 2014 – researching statistics, so many unknowns
  • Sept. 29, 2014 – an important milestone! 24 weeks, time for the first life-saving steroid shot
  • Oct. 7, 2014 – 25 weeks pregnant, I start buying baby stuff, too afraid to do so before now
  • Oct. 14, 2014 – gestational incarceration – at 26 weeks, I check myself into the hospital to stay, beginning the hardest 9 days of my life
  • Oct. 20, 2014 – 27 weeks, I tour the NICU.
  • Oct. 24, 2014 – I write Josiah Levi’s birth story
  • Oct. 24, 2014 – Drowning emotionally, I break down at baby’s bedside
  • Oct. 26, 2014 – I am discharged from the hospital. I go home without my baby.
  • Oct. 27, 2014 – I hold my baby for the very first time
  • Oct. 28, 2014 – Once again, I break down while visiting my son in the NICU
  • Oct. 30, 2014 – Nightmares and NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) scares
  • Oct. 31, 2014 – I get to see Josiah’s entire face
  • Oct. 31, 2014 – Abdominal x-rays look clean, I get to hold you for 90 minutes
  • Nov. 3, 2014 – I get into a groove and begin to feel a tiny bit better about our situation
  • Nov. 4, 2014 – Every day I write the book – exhaustion and splitting stitches
  • Nov. 6, 2014 – In which I am ANGRY. I begin seeing a therapist.
  • Nov. 13, 2014 – You’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks.
  • Nov. 14, 2014 – The hospital alarms go off and blare in our ears for an hour. This doesn’t help my nerves.
  • Nov. 22, 2014 – One month. I’m no longer drowning in fear. He’s going to make it. Josiah’s PICC line is removed! Nightmares. Is the baby a figment of my imagination?
  • Nov. 24, 2014 – Feisty. Josiah throws his first tantrum. Mommy is pleased at this news. My baby is a fighter.
  • Dec. 7, 2014 – Josiah was once the Fragile Flower. A baby dies in the NICU.
  • Dec. 8, 2014 – I am OVER IT. Done. I hate this place. I hate coming here. F-U, NICU!
  • Dec. 11, 2014 – Breather. Josiah is off the CPAP. I can see his entire face!
  • Dec. 12, 2014 – Nesting. When you think your baby is going to die, you don’t buy stuff. Now it’s time to prepare my nest. I walk into the NICU and Josiah is out of the incubator and into an open crib!
  • Dec. 21, 2014 – Two steps forward, one step back – all the things that have to happen before my baby can come home. Every day his eyes plead with me not to leave his side. It’s torture.
  • Dec. 30, 2014 – I would have been 37 weeks pregnant today. Instead, I have a 10 week old. A day in the life of a NICU mom.

This is where I get quiet, because the anxiety, shame and depression took over where the fear left off. 

  • Jan. 19, 2015 – Homecoming. Josiah is home now. He’s on a heart monitor that goes off every few seconds all night long, rendering me a zombie by day. I get a whopping case of mastitis, and after it heals, my milk supply seems to go with it.

…. a work in progress

27-weeker preemie story

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  1. How TrimHealthyMama helped me heal after a traumatic birth – La Slim Femme says:
    June 6, 2016 at 8:08 am

    […] As a writer, I would love nothing more than to write my experiences down in a book. So far, however, I’ve been unable to write more than a page without becoming overwhelmed by emotions that I don’t want to revisit. I did, however, blog during that time. It helped keep me sane. Those posts are collected on this page on my other blog if you’re interested in reading them: a preemie story. […]

  2. My LipSense business, or why this blog has been so quiet lately | TrimHealthyMama blog says:
    May 15, 2017 at 7:02 am

    […] financial. It’s deeply personal. As long-time readers of this blog know, I gave birth to a 27-weeker preemie 2 1/2 years ago. Thankfully, he is perfectly healthy. But the experience of that pregnancy, his […]

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Easier Mornings!

Hi, I’m Carrie!

Bienvenue! My goal is to inspire and provide resources for moms to simplify their lives. With what aim?

So they can find time and space for their own goals and passions during the busy mothering years. Simplifying the mundane to make room for the sublime. Let's put the "her" back in motherhood!

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